(BL) Hunting The Field Guide - Chapter 255

Chapter 255: Side Chapter- Who have I become?

Chapter 255: Side Chapter- Who have I become?

Casper didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Or the night after.

He spiraled, his brain being his worst own enemy as he drank shakes, paced his apartment, and drank more shakes.  He hadn’t felt okay before this, but having that whole interaction with Gunther had only made things worse.  The longer he remained on his own, without anyone else around, the more he fell down the rabbit hole.  Maybe it was a good idea that he left the Guild?

If this was the response he was going to get, if this was how he was going to react, he didn’t want to do this anymore.

He NEVER wanted to hurt others, and he couldn’t believe himself that not only had he considered hurting Gunther, but that he’d gone through with it.  He’d already called Pamela sobbing and had her talk him down, but he still didn’t know what to do.

He’d never been a violent person.

He never even thought himself capable of doing something like this.

Sure, he’d been happy when Kellen or Captain Thatcher punished people, but he’d never thought he’d be able to do the same.  But he hadn’t done that to some random person who had caused others harm.

He’d done it to Gunther.

The man he’d been dreaming of pairing with for damn near 10 years.

Forget everyone else, forget Captain Thatcher or even those Guides who’d almost killed innocent civilians with their actions, Casper was a monster.

No one good hit their partner, and Gunther wasn’t even that to him.  Gunther didn’t want to be that for him.

Shit.

Casper felt his eyes water for the 1700th time and just pushed his glasses up and into his hair.

It was too late to stop them at this point.

He was basically a leaky faucet.

The taps to turn off his tears were broken, and he didn’t have the tools to fix them, and everyone else who did?  They were too busy to be able to help him, and he didn’t want to bother them.

Pamela was up to her neck in all of the shit involved with the shooting and the gates, and the declaration that the Guild wasn’t allowing civilians without a pass into the building anymore.

Not even into the lobby.  It was a huge blow to them image-wise, at least at first.

Until the public learned that the beloved Mr.

and Mrs.

Woods, along with their children, were residing in the Tower.

Then, the complaints flipped, and the Saturn Guild was flooded with praise.  Casper had been watching the news almost religiously since he wasn’t allowed into the Tower and didn’t want to be a bother.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t speaking to anyone.

He messaged Karen, Pamela, and a few of the Espers he normally looked after.

They were doing their best to not inconvenience the remaining A Class Guides, and were feeding Casper news that the girls would have filtered for him.  Like how Gunther had been spotted with a giant black eye for several days, and for some reason, he appeared pleased with it.  The sick, rolling feeling in Casper’s stomach didn’t go away when he heard that.  Why the fuck was that man happy about what had happened?

And why hadn’t he gotten his injury healed?

It wasn’t as if Green was the only person in the Tower who had healing powers, she was just the best person they had.

Obviously she was going to be busy with Mr.

Woods’ injury, along with Kellen, but there were plenty of capable people who could heal him.  Why would anyone consider his black eye a good thing?

Casper had thrown up so much thinking about what he’d done, and the awful sound it made when it hit his face.  God, he might throw up again thinking about it.  Suffice to say, Casper felt like he was going insane.

He probably would be insane if he spent another damn moment in this apartment alone.

He knew that Kellen had ordered him bedrest, and he had every intention to do so, but as much as Casper was a solitary creature, he was also pack minded.  He liked to be alone, but near others.

He’d chosen this home because of the view, but now this place was tainted.

The view wasn’t worth it if it meant that when his people were suffering, he couldn’t be there.

If he should even remain there.  He’d been thinking about the threat he made a lot.

If he should leave the Guild.

Honestly, he was sure it wasn’t intentional on his part, but having someone like Kellen, who was competent, a natural leader, and could work a crowd easily as the pair of the Captain of the Saturn Guild, Casper kind of felt like he was being replaced.  He wasn’t as outspoken as Kellen, nor was he as respected.

Most viewed him as a small man with a thin frame who could be pushed around.

Why else would every time that they got new recruits would he be chased around by a damn Esper who didn’t know better?  It was the only conclusion that he could come with every damn time, and it wasn’t as if this was the first time he grappled with this question.

Why did no one respect him as a Lieutenant?

Why was Casper the only one of the top members of the Guild who was treated this way?

Was it because he was a Guide?

Was it because everyone else were Espers?  Now that Kellen was here, Casper’s brain kept getting caught on one idea.  It wasn’t because he was a Guide, because Kellen was a Guide too.

It was because Casper was weak.

He was weak-minded, weak bodied, just overall, weak.  So others thought that they could walk all over him.

Casper had let himself fade away over time as he mulled over what he meant to Gunther, what Gunther meant to him, and this was the result.  Where was the old Casper?

The one who had punched an Esper in the jaw when he’d gone for a kiss without his permission in the D.E.C.?

The one who had negotiated with Captain Thatcher when he’d tried to recruit him the first time into his Guild?

Where was that man?  Casper didn’t know, and that scared him the most.

He was so far gone he didn’t even know where to search for him.  Either way, he knew now was not the time to hand in his resignation.

He didn’t even have plans lined up after this, and he didn’t want to just leave his friends alone while they drowned in work, but he couldn’t be here anymore.  So, he packed a travel duffle bag, his fingers trembling as he did so.

He also packed a grocery bag full of shakes for the trip there, as well as a few supplement drinks.

Casper’s clothing choices had only gotten atrocious in the few days since he’d been forced to take a break, and they’d gotten worse after he’d injured Gunther.  He’d had to pull on several sweaters, burying himself in fabric.

Ever since that day he just hadn’t been able to get warm.

He was unable to retain heat.

He knew it was as much of a psychological response as much as it was a physical one, but that didn’t mean he could stop it.  Knowing didn’t mean shit when you didn’t have the tools to fix it, and Casper’s tool box was empty.

He had no damn tools, just a list describing the best tools available.

It did fuck all right now as far as he was concerned.  Pulling on his shoes, Casper wiped his eyes with his outside sleeve, trying to gather himself enough so that he could leave the house.

He pulled his glasses down, sniffed, and braced himself.  He was going to go to the Guild.

He was going to stay in the room assigned to him in the Tower because he couldn’t take this anymore.

He wasn’t going to work.

He knew Kellen would kill him if he did, but even if he hung out in the coffee shop all day, at least he wouldn’t be alone.

He just needed…something.  Anything.

Anything to get his mind off of the endless repeat of his own actions.  He was going to be a big boy about this, even if he felt like a sniffling, crying mess of a man, but that’s what all breakups were like, right?  He didn’t really know, since he hadn’t dated anyone really before he’d met Gunther, but maybe it was time that he took a page out of Karen’s and Guide Jameson’s book and just…go wild.  It wasn’t like he hadn’t shared intimate guiding with other Espers.

He was an A Class, it was bound to happen.

He wasn’t a virgin like Kellen had been before the Captain.

Hell, Casper had even slept with Gunther for guiding purposes before, but that wasn’t the same as what Casper wanted to do.  He knew that Karen and Guide Jameson dated loosely.

Maybe…maybe he could do the same?

He’d have to ask them subtly for help and advice.

Pamela wasn’t going to be a good option in this regard.  She was too busy pining after a woman not quite twice her age and as Kellen had said, ‘was a shark’.

Casper had no place to worry about her, or criticize her choices.

While he and Gunther hadn’t been too far in age, Gunther was still older.

It had mattered a lot when they were younger, and less so when they aged up.  Casper felt his eyes water again and he sniffed, trying to stand strong.

He could do this.

He could be brave.

So what if he ran into Gunther at the Guild?

They were fellow Lieutenants.

He was going to have to come face to face with him at some point.  He just needed to get strong again, and being alone wasn’t helping him do so.  He pushed open the door to his apartment and bravely stepped out into the world.

He could do this.

He wouldn’t even cry if Kellen yelled at him for showing up in the Guild.

He’d be strong.

CREATORS’ THOUGHTS CalyB Casper thinking he’s a burden to his friends when he’s going through a hard time hurts man.

Too relatable.

When Pamela and the others see how badly he’s actually doing it’s going to break their hearts.