(BL) Hunting The Field Guide - Chapter 289

Chapter 289: I don’t want to change you Chapter 289: I don’t want to change you The drive back was quiet.

Thankfully, most people were gone like Lieutenant Fisher had said.

Esper Blake came out with them, but she didn’t have to do much.

One glare from Rhys, holding onto Kellen carefully as well as his cane, really put everyone in their place.

Especially because his eyes were so bright he was projecting light.  Kellen was awkward.

He didn’t know what to say.

Sorry?

He wasn’t really sorry for what he’d done though.

He had made the right call.

If Rhys had been there, there was a high chance that they wouldn’t have caught if not the only D.E.C.

traitor, but one of them.

He never minded putting himself in danger to get a better result.  Rhys had agreed to it.

So had everyone else.

Even if Kellen understood that Rhys was upset and for a good reason, it didn’t take away that he had agreed to it.

Did it tear him up inside that Rhys was so upset that he almost cried in front of everyone?

Yes, it did, but it didn’t change the fact that Rhys had agreed to it.  Kellen knew it was slightly unfair.

He felt like he was forcing Rhys to change his opinions just so Kellen could keep his own.

He just wasn’t…the sit back and wait type.

He’d never been that.

There was no way he was going to let others deal with this mess without him involved.  The longer Rhys remained quiet, the more Kellen felt like he was spiraling in his own thoughts.

It wasn’t a long drive from the D.E.C.

to the Guild tower, but it felt like it with the tense silence that filled the car.  When Rhys pulled into the garage under the Guild and parked the car in its designated spot, he didn’t move to get out of the car after he’d turned it off.

Kellen wasn’t sure what to do.

He had a feeling that if he attempted to get out of the car right now, it wouldn’t be good.  “I realise that this might feel a little strange to you.” Rhys started and Kellen flinched.

“You’ve never been in a romantic relationship before, and I doubt your friendships held the same weight, not even the one you have with Brent.

Yes, you two would go into gates together, but you weren’t beholden to each other.

This, Kellen, is different.” Rhys leaned against the steering wheel of the car, sighing heavily.  “I…what do you mean?” Kellen asked, worry filling him.

What was he trying to get at?  “I know you haven’t been in a romantic relationship before.

In some ways, I’m very excited about it.

It means I get to be all of your firsts.

Your first date, your first lover, your first time holding hands, but it also gives me the other firsts too.

Your first argument, your first lack of consideration, your first time realising that we are a team, not just lovers.” Kellen swallowed thickly.  “I didn’t forget that, Rhys.” Kellen told him, and Rhys groaned.  “Fuck.

Just…let me talk.

Please?” Rhys asked, his voice sounding pained.

Kellen, worried, placed his hand on his shoulder, and felt how tense Rhys was.

Kellen remained silent, letting Rhys speak and Rhys exhaled slowly.

He didn’t raise his gaze, not looking at Kellen as he spoke.

Kellen didn’t need to know why.

His eyes were lighting up the dash of the car.  “Kellen, you are so, so, so important to me.

I know it’s important to you to do this.

Hell, I can tell it’s practically a compulsion to do this.

You probably aren’t even doing it for yourself, but for some damn selfless reason like you need to protect the city, and your Dad.

I know that, I get it with the sensible side of my brain, but I’m having a hard time with this.” Rhys’ voice cut off, and it sounded like he was choking.

Kellen didn’t know what to do.

Rhys’ body was shaking under his hand.  “I know, I know it’s a compulsion from my Esper abilities.

I know you would never be happy locked up, or even put somewhere where you were ‘safe’, whatever the fuck that means, but I just…I nearly surged when I saw you today, Kellen.

Me.

I’ve worked so hard to control my feelings, my powers, everything, and you’ve been such a great help this whole time with the constant guiding.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good, this stable, before.

Ever.

Having good compatibility is important, but I didn’t realise that until you.

And even with all that, I almost lost control.” Rhys chuckled, but Kellen didn’t like the sound of it.

It sounded like it hurt.  “I just don’t want you to think that I don’t understand that you’re not a quiet Guide.

You would never be happy tucked away under my protection, but when I agreed to let you do this, you were supposed to be protected.

You weren’t supposed to get injured.

Esper Blake was supposed to do her fucking job and you were supposed to-” He was getting angry, and he cut himself off.

Kellen was worried.

He’d only seen this side of him a few times on the front lines, but being in the car with him, it felt so much more.

More tense, more emotional.

Kellen almost opened his mouth to try to offer comfort, but thought better.

It sounded like Rhys needed to get this out of him, and Kellen wasn’t going to be the one to stop something like this.

He probably needed to, to be able to get over it.  “I can’t reverse time on wounds.

I’ve tried, and it never works out well.

I’m the only one who can do it to myself.

My ability is so fucking selfish and I fucking hate, hate that I can’t help you when it matters.

I know, with the logical part of my brain, that we all agreed to this.

We all did, but I just…” Rhys finally turned his head to look at Kellen, and Kellen felt his heart drop.

Rhys was crying, tears streaming down from his yellow eyes.  “But you got hurt.

Twice.

Not the normal kind of hurt.

Not the kind of hurt I was bracing myself for, but fucking shot.

A human did this to you.

I can’t stand that.

You’re mine.

You are mine, Kellen, and some fucker is walking around out there all proud that he hurt what was mine.

I hate that I have this possessive, aggressive side to me, and I know I need to tamper it down.

I know you don’t really like it when I get possessive.

You’ve shown every sign that you don’t, but I can’t.

I can’t stop my brain and body from reacting right now.

I completely understand how your Mom was behaving.

I was only a few steps from being the same way as her.” Rhys was breaking Kellen’s heart.  “Rhys…” Kellen murmured and Rhys shuddered.  “Don’t.

Don’t sympathize with me.

I don’t want it.

I already feel bad enough as it is, I don’t need your sympathy for me to make me feel even worse.

I’m just…I’m just venting.

I don’t want you to do anything.” Rhys told him and Kellen didn’t fully believe him.

Especially since his words made Kellen feel like shit.  “Rhys, it’s not just sympathy.

I feel awful.

Have you been holding back your urges?” Kellen asked carefully and Rhys swallowed.  “I’m an S Class Kellen, and even if you seem comfortable, or well versed in them, it’s not the same as when you have a partner who is.

I’ve always held myself back in my relationships.

No one likes waking up to someone watching them sleep, or snooping through their things, or planning out every second of their day.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like a creep when I have these thoughts and these feelings.

I don’t understand how the others can’t feel this way when they behave like this in real life.

I know you would hate me if I let that side of myself out.

I don’t want to contain you, I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to ruin you.

I want to keep you safe, yes, but I don’t want to break you to do that.” Rhys shuddered.  “T-There was a time when I was almost too far gone, and I made plans that I shouldn’t have, but thankfully Hill and Gunther were there to stop me.

I never would have forgiven myself if I had gone through with it, even if in the moment that was exactly what I wanted.” Kellen had a feeling he knew what Rhys was talking about.  The cabin.

He was talking about kidnapping Kellen and locking him up in a secluded cabin with the Captain.

It would have been strange, and probably very upsetting, but Kellen couldn’t actually see himself hating it as much as he probably should.  “Rhys, if I may?” Kellen asked carefully, and Rhys swallowed thickly.

He nodded, giving Kellen permission, and Kellen sighed.

“The fact that you are able to realise all of this is a good thing.

It proves to me that you are leaps and bounds better then the Espers who don’t care about this kind of stuff, including other S Classes.

But if I’m honest with you…” Kellen sighed again.

“I don’t really care about all of the others and how much better you are compared to them.

I mean, I do, obviously, since you’re so cool all the time and I admire all the work you’ve done.” Rhys’ cheeks turned pink at the compliments.

“But that’s not really important to me.

You know, I was thinking a lot about how I really didn’t want to get into an argument with you and how I didn’t want to apologise for being myself, but it’s clear that you’re holding back parts of yourself so that I can be myself.” Rhys tensed.  Kellen had no idea where his mind was going, but Kellen cleared his throat, feeling a little embarrassed.  “So, I’m sure we’re going to be awkward and probably fumble a bit.

You did say it was my first relationship, but we’re just going to need to…adjust.

I’m beginning to realise that I don’t think I ever really did that.

I think I just made you fit into whatever space I made available for you, and you accepted whatever I gave you.

That’s not…that’s not really fair, is it?” Kellen asked and Rhys’ tears were invigorated.

He dropped his head, his shoulder’s shaking as Kellen’s heart broke as Rhys sobbed.

Oh fuck.

What was he supposed to do?  “C-Can I hug you?” Rhys asked and Kellen nodded.  “Yeah, of course.” Kellen told him, swallowing thickly.  “P-Push your chair back.

I’m coming over.” Kellen blinked, removing his hand from Rhys’ back as he fumbled around his seat, trying to find the mechanism to push the chair back.

He found it just in time as Rhys sniffed, shifting, and squeezed his big body over to the passenger seat and lay on top of Kellen, practically squishing him.  Kellen didn’t hate it, enjoying the weight and feeling of the other man on top of him.

Kellen felt himself relax as Rhys’ weight pressed him into the seat, not complaining as Rhys slid one hand under him, his other holding the back of Kellen’s head as the man buried his head into Kellen’s shoulder and continued to cry.

Kellen wrapped his arms around him, holding him.  Kellen felt like something had shifted in their relationship, in a good way, even if he hated the sound of Rhys crying.

He was going to let the man do it, let him be vulnerable with him.

He hadn’t even cried when he found out what happened between Gunther and Casper.

Maybe now was the time to let it all go.

CREATORS’ THOUGHTS CalyB A good step, even if Rhys is probably still going to keep parts of himself away from Kellen.

For his own good, honestly.

Kellen really doesn’t know much about the compulsions of S Classes.