(BL) Hunting The Field Guide - Chapter 357

Chapter 357: I’m a selfish prick
Casper thought that his blood was going to boil out of his body. He was feeling so many negative emotions he was surprised he wasn’t in the middle of a panic attack. He could be, it could just be different from what he normally experienced. He normally lost his breath, his vision, and collapsed when he had panic attacks.

Currently, he was standing, blocking the door to Kellen and Rhys’ bedroom as Gunther sat inside, on the very edge of the bed. He looked like a kicked puppy, while Casper felt like his whole body was vibrating. His face was flushed, his eyes were watering. He wished he would just stop fucking crying, but he couldn’t.

He was weak, he was tired, and he was unable to resist the pull he had towards Gunther. Forget just liking the guy because he thought they had high compatibility, there was no fucking way he’d have gone this far for another person if he wasn’t head over heels for his dumb ass.

When he’d heard the news that Rhys and Gunther were going to have a fight and that the reason was because Gunther was leaving on a private mission to deal with the E.A.G., Casper thought his heart was going to stop.

It also became clear to him that the date that was going to happen was being kept from him. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that he’d kept himself locked up in his rooms. He felt guilty about it, but at the same time, he didn’t feel guilty at all. He’d had a huge argument with Gunther, and seeing the pain on his face as he confronted him had shaken him. A lot.

Casper was allowed some down time. If it had happened to anyone else in the Guild, they would have been granted the same leniency. Well, Casper would grant them the same leniency. If the others didn’t do the same, that wasn’t his problem right now.

He’d nearly shit himself when he’d been watching a shitty t.v. show and it had been interrupted with Rhys and Gunther yelling at each other. When the first fist made contact, he’d nearly thrown up. Thankfully, for his own sanity, he turned it off, but the pain in his chest as he witnessed the first hit land had shaken him.

Only when he’d gathered himself up enough did he come to Kellen’s place, and he should have been shocked by the state that he was in, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was glad that he had someone who he could find solidarity with.

He was also grateful that Kellen didn’t question his behavour, or say he didn’t have the right to tear into Gunther. He had a feeling that all of the Guides in the room would have told Casper he could do what he wanted as soon as Gunther walked into the fucking apartment with Rhys by his side.

Casper’s hands clenched as he remembered their fucking shocked, dumb faces as if they hadn’t expected any of them to be there. Those dumb Espers. Dumb fucking Espers with dumb fucking dead parents. Dumb parents who had abused them.

“Cas? Are you okay?” Gunther asked carefully, his knee bouncing as he watched Casper remain by the door, his arms crossed and tears pouring down his face. Casper wanted to yell at him. He shouldn’t be the one asking if he was okay, it should be the other way around. Fucking damnit!

Casper unwrapped his arms, raised his glasses and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before he sniffed, putting his glasses on firmly. He took a few steps towards Gunther, coming to a stop a few paces away from him.

“Theodore.” Casper rasped, saying his first name and Gunther’s eyes widened in shock. His mouth hung open as he blinked. “What in the world do you think you are doing?” Casper asked and Gunther scrambled. He covered his mouth with his hand, his cheeks turning bright red.

“Uh, well, I don’t-what do you mean, Cas?” Gunther, no, Theodore asked. Casper narrowed his gaze at him.

“Theodore, you know damn well what I am asking. Are you doing this because of me? Because if you are putting yourself in danger because of me, I will never forgive you. This wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want you to go on a fucking suicide mission!” Casper couldn’t help but raise his voice, and then winced. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I-” Theodore stood up, grabbing Casper’s shoulders. Not enough to hurt him, but enough to silence him.

“It’s okay. You can yell at me. I deserve it. I’m not triggered or anything like that.” Theodore’s smile was a little twisted as he said that, before he sighed. “I knew they were planning to keep it from you, but I let them. I just…I wanted you not to care.” He muttered, turning his head away and Casper’s heart twisted.

“Do you not care anymore?” Casper whispered and Theodore jerked his head towards him, before he narrowed his gaze.

“Don’t you fucking dare, for a damn second, doubt my feelings for you. I might not know what a romantic relationship is supposed to be, but I’m not stupid enough to not know what these feelings mean, Cas. That’s mean, and cruel. My parents didn’t even do that.” Casper jerked, and Theodore scrunched his face up. “Fuck. That was mean. I’m sorry. I didn’t-” Casper reached out, hesitantly placing his hand on his shoulder, his other going to his chest.

“It’s okay. I deserved that. I shouldn’t have said that.” Casper soothed, before he closed his eyes and sighed. This was so awkward, and confusing, and he still had all of this hurt and big feelings inside of him that he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get out. Or deal with.

“Why did you two have to fight?” Casper whispered after the silence had dragged on and he felt Theodore’s chest rise and fall before he spoke.

“Honestly, we were only supposed to throw a few punches, but things got…neither one of us could really stop. We just…worked out our issues ourselves, I guess.” He shrugged, looking away from Casper and Casper sighed.

“You’re a bunch of morons.” Casper told him and watched as his split lip twitched.

“Yeah yeah. I’m sure I’ll be hearing that for a while.” Theodore said, before his smile froze. “Or not. Since I’ll be going on my mission.” Casper’s mood soured again.

“That fucking mission. Did Rhys bring it up? I’ll kill him, I swear-” Theodore covered Casper’s mouth with his hand, his dark gaze meeting Casper’s grey one. His expression softened.

“Rhys brought it up, but he wasn’t the one who put my name in the hat.” Casper growled around his hand. “It was Kellen, Casper, and he didn’t mean anything negative or mean about it. He wanted someone who he could trust on the inside, and the D.E.C. had lost the scent. He thought this would be a perfect opportunity for us to get the separation that we need to heal, and we could infiltrate the E.A.G. at the same time. Two birds, one stone.” It was like having cold water tossed on him.

Kellen? Kellen had suggested Theodore? It felt like a knife had been stabbed in his chest. Betrayed by someone who he had trusted? Theodore watched as Casper’s expression twisted and he hesitated for a moment before he pulled him closer.

“Hey, don’t. Kellen was thinking about me at the time, and what I would need. He knew I needed some space. He wouldn’t have offered me up if he thought I wasn’t able to do it. You know that. He only offers names of people who he thinks are competent. He doesn’t think he’s sending me on a suicide mission, because he expects me to come out.” He tried to soothe, but Casper started having trouble breathing.

Oh. Here was the panic attack.

Theodore carefully, gently, helped Casper sit down, holding the other man, coaching him through it as Casper’s hands desperately grabbed onto him. Tears poured from Casper’s eyes as Theodore was so gentle with him.

Casper’s heart couldn’t take it, and when he’d finally gotten his breath back, he started crying in earnest. Theodore panicked more.

“Cas? W-What’s wrong?” He whispered, and that only made him cry harder.

“What went wrong, Theodore? Where did we fuck up?” He asked in between sobs, holding onto the hand in his, the other hand wrapped around his shoulder. Theodore’s face fell as Casper sobbed.

“Oh. Well, my parents I think are the reason, Cas. So there is no need for you to take any blame on yourself.” Casper shook his head at Theodore’s easy excuse.

“I could have asked at any time. If I hadn’t been so full of myself, this wouldn’t be so damn twisted. Now you’re going away, and I just-” Casper sobbed. “I couldn’t see your face around the Guild, but that doesn’t mean I want you in danger! I was just being selfish, and immature! I don’t want to lose you!” Casper sobbed, unable to see through the tears in his eyes, hitting his glasses.

Theodore swallowed thickly, his eyes staring at Casper. It was the wrong time. It was always going to be the wrong time, but he couldn’t fight his own instincts. His own desires.

“Cas, may I kiss you?”