(BL) Hunting The Field Guide - Chapter 358

Chapter 358: It’s a fuck it kind of night
Casper stopped crying, the shock of what he asked freezing him. Theodore looked like he was unsure, but he also didn’t seem to regret his words.

“Why would you ask that?” Casper tone made it sound like he was upset, which he was, and Theodore winced.

“It’s just…never going to be the right time. I know that even if you don’t like me in the future, you like me now. I won’t change my mind on this, so I thought it was at least worth a try.” He said with a shrug. Casper wasn’t sure what to do.

Should he get mad about how easily he spoke about his feelings, or how casual he was about it? Or should he get mad that he asked for a kiss at all? Casper was destroyed over how their relationship was playing out. He didn’t want to see Theodore, but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel like his heart was tearing out of his chest at the idea of Theodore going to the E.A.G.

Casper was working himself up into a panic, thinking so much that Theodore’s sigh drew him out of his thoughts.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to. I get it, Cas. We never really…kissed anyway.” Casper’s cheeks flushed. They had pretty much done everything but kiss at this point, even if it had felt like Theodore had hated every second of it.

Casper paused.

“Theodore.” He jerked, his gaze quivering as he looked at Casper.

“Yes, Cas?”

“Did you hate it when we would guide?” Casper asked. He was afraid of the question, but at this point, something inside of him felt a little damaged, a little broken.

The shocked and horrified look of Theodore could have told him three different things. Either he was horrified by Casper asking that question, horrified because it was true, or horrified because it was not true.

“What gave you that impression?” Theodore demanded and Casper stared at him.

“You did. You never seemed excited to spend time with me, it always felt like you were doing a chore until it actually started, and then you’d be interested, but getting you there? I was always afraid to ask. I also knew you were going to other Guiding Centers. Was that to avoid me?” Casper asked, feeling like he was getting everything off of his chest today.

Theodore looked genuinely upset and hurt, but Casper didn’t know what to tell him. These were things that he had done. Casper should be the one asking this in tears, yet he now felt more calm then he had before now.

“I…I never hated it. I was worried that I came across too eager.” Casper snorted, covering his mouth when it became obvious that Theodore was upset.

“Eager? You looked like you wanted to be anywhere else.” Casper told him, a smirk on his lips. It was funny now, now that Casper knew that Theodore wanted to kiss him, and wanted to be with him. It was messed up how they got here, but damn it, he could see the humour in it right now.

“I just, fuck, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like when I started to like you I had ever been in a relationship before. They basically kept Rhys and I segregated from everyone else because they expected us to go crazy. You knew what it was like in the D.E.C. for us. My only choices were what my parents taught me. I didn’t know better, and I didn’t see others who were in healthy relationships. Lots of the other Espers around me were fucking crazy, and were doing some fucked up shit with their Guides. I know this sounds fucked up, but I was waiting for you to hit me first.” Theodore shifted awkwardly, while Casper stared at him in shock.

“Why were you waiting?” Casper asked and Theodore hesitated for a moment, before he spoke. Casper had a feeling he wasn’t going to like his response no matter what, and he was proven correct.

“Well, I thought that was how you entered into relationships. You both like each other, so you hit each other. My parents did it, Rhys’ parents did it. The other Esper’s around me did it. I just…I didn’t want to hit you, so I convinced myself that if you hit me, that meant you liked me and then we’d be dating.” His dark gaze stared at Casper’s face, scanning it as Casper’s expression twisted with horror. He gave a little half smile before he dropped his head, staring at his hands. “I really didn’t want to hurt you.” He repeated and Casper felt his heart breaking in his chest.

“Would we ever be good for each other?” Casper wondered out loud and Theodore jerked, his head snapping back as he stared at Casper.

“Don’t say that.” He said. “Please don’t say that. I’m fine giving you the space that you’re asking for, just don’t-” Theodore closed his eyes, taking a breath. He clearly didn’t like how desperate he sounded. Casper was surprised by it too. “I begged Rhys to make sure that you didn’t leave. I would rather I leave.” Casper gasped.

“Theodore, no! Rhys is your best friend, and you two are practically a package deal.” Casper protested and Theodore chuckled. It didn’t sound kind, or nice.

“Yet, what have I done for him? I’ve caused him pain, brought up old memories that should remain buried, and I hurt the two people I cared the most about without even being aware of it. I see it. The way people look at me like I’m a monster. It wasn’t as obvious before the coffee shop incident, but the Guild can sense it. Something’s wrong with me.” He sighed as Casper opened his mouth, about to refute it, when he kept going. “Besides, it’s not like you have done nothing here this whole time. You’re the backbone for our Guiding department. I know what excuse you’re going to say. Kellen might be here, but he’s not you. He doesn’t have a gentle touch, not like you do. He wouldn’t be able to do your job, not without someone helping him.” Casper didn’t know what to say.

Theodore did know him. Enough that he was able to say the things that he needed to hear, but Casper didn’t feel like it was fair.

He couldn’t do the same for him.

Feeling a bit bitter, Casper shifted on the edge of the bed, and Theodore stared at him, watching him. Casper did the same. He looked awful. Truly. Rhys had done a number on him, not that it hadn’t been willingly reciprocated and returned. It was going to take a long time to heal, and knowing what he did about the undercover mission, he wasn’t allowed to get healed, nor was Rhys.

The fucking idiots.

Something turning in his gut, Casper let out a deep, harsh sigh. He raised his gaze to Theodore’s, watching him as the man swallowed thickly and Casper turned, facing him head on.

“Theodore, the Guild needs you too. You may think that you do nothing, but you may not be the backbone holding this place up, but you are all of the other bits. Like the skeleton. Keeping things in their place. You are just as important. You and Hill are a pair, working under Rhys so that the Guild can run efficiently. I don’t want to hear that you are replaceable. For however long this-this mission is, it’s going to feel like we’re missing a piece.” Casper told him and Theodore swallowed.

“So what do we do? I’ll never be able to love another, Cas.” He admitted easily, readily, and Casper frowned.

“Would you be able to watch me fall in love with someone else?” The room filled with a heavy silence. Casper wasn’t even sure if he was breathing, and he knew that now probably wasn’t the best time to have this conversation. Neither one of them was stable at the moment. But Casper couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. He was morbidly curious.

Something creaked, and Casper realised that Theodore had gripped onto the edge of the bed, shattering that part with his hands. Casper went white, but Theodore seemed in control of himself after that. He blinked several times, before he turned his gaze to Casper.

“No. I don’t think I could, but if that was what you wanted…Well, I wouldn’t have the right to say anything, would I?” His smile didn’t reach his eyes and Casper found himself moving before he even realised that he was. He grabbed the back of Theodore’s neck, yanking the other man towards him.

“This never happened.” He whispered, and Theodore nodded, his eyes widening but his cheeks warming.

“O-Okay.” He agreed quietly as Casper hesitated for a second, before their lips touched. It was different, strange. Made even more so by Theodore’s injury, but Casper didn’t care. If this was the only kiss he was going to share with him, he was going to make the most of it. Bending his head, he angled himself the way he wanted, pulling the other man even closer.

Theodore went where Casper ordered him, shaking as Casper had his wicked way with him. He’d never had this much control over him, and Casper was relishing in it. He was on cloud nine, until a soft knock sounded on the door outside.

“Taylor just arrived. Are you two okay in there?” It was Kellen’s Dad, Henry, and his voice was a shock of water over his whole system.

What the fuck had Casper been doing? Was he out of his mind? Kellen’s impulsiveness must have rubbed off on him. At least, that was what he was going to tell himself.