(BL) Hunting The Field Guide - Chapter 61

Chapter 61: Subpar guiding from a damaged Guide Chapter 61: Subpar guiding from a damaged Guide Taylor’s voice, like usual, took Kellen out of the guiding session and Kellen blinked, before his gaze steadied and he was staring at the Captain.

The Captain gave the hand that he held a squeeze before releasing it to pull on his dirty uniform.

Kellen slowly moved his limbs, following the same motions.

He only glanced up when he heard Taylor call his name.  “Kellen, catch!” She tossed a shake at Kellen, waited for him to catch it before tossing another.

“You were guiding at a lower level today.

Did something happen?” She asked and Kellen felt his insides churn.

He swallowed, before trying to casually shrug.  “No, not really.

Maybe seeing the destruction caused by the terrorists set me off?” He suggested mildly.

He had his back turned to the two Espers so he wasn’t able to see the look they exchanged.

Kellen was still in a daze, and found his mind wandering back once more to Savvy and Terry.  Maybe…it had been out of the blue, but at the same time, Kellen had a feeling that it was going to come.

Everyone else had disappeared from his life, and now that Savvy had pointed it out…yeah, it lined up.

Everyone had stopped messaging him or responding to him after they’d gotten into their dream job.

Most of them worked at Guiding Center A, with only one other working for the D.E.C.

in some capacity he wasn’t aware of.

If he thought harder about it, Terry was the only one who reached out to him.

Savvy had stopped, and the only reason he knew anything about her was because of Terry.

Fuck, he was a bad friend.

Why was Taylor still willing to be seen with him?

“Green, would we be able to use this room for a bit?” Captain’s voice made Kellen jerk, and he turned his gaze towards Taylor.

Her smile was wide as she gathered her papers.

“Of course.

I’ll make sure to put a note on file saying this room is being used for the next two hours.

I’ll let the lieutenants know you are dealing with a personal issue.

Take as many shakes as you need, Kellen.

I hope you feel better once the Captain is done with you.” She told her friend cheerfully, while Kellen stared at her with shock.

Once he was done with him?

What the hell did that mean?

Kellen could feel his own doom on the horizon as he glanced at the Captain.

He had a smile on his face, his eyes were still yellow, and they never left Kellen.

A shiver went up his spine as Taylor left the room, the door closing loudly behind her as she hummed a tune.  The Captain was not hiding the fact he was staring at Kellen.

Why would he?

No one else was in the room now.

He did remain seated in his chair, his face dropping from a neutral happy expression into a serious one.

Kellen, who had been in a daze, felt alarms beginning to go off in the back of his mind.

Waking up fully, he glanced away from him.

He stared down at the shakes and cracked the first one.

He took his time finishing it, before turning his back to him and tossing his empty into the recycling bin near the door.

Then, turning back, he opened the second one.

He made sure to keep an eye on the Captain in his peripheral view.

When he finished the second, he turned, tossed, and missed.

Cursing internally, he turned his back to the Captain fully, moving towards the door.

He bent to pick up the empty shake container, and when he stood up he was caged in by the Captain’s arms.

He hadn’t heard him get up, and he gulped as he heard the Captain lock the door.  “Now, Kellen, are you going to tell me the truth now, or are you going to continue to run away?” He murmured, and Kellen felt his heart drop.

The Captain really wasn’t going to let him drop this.  “If you are going to force this, we should at least sit down.” Kellen muttered defeatedly, and the Captain exhaled forcefully.

He stepped back, away from Kellen, and turned and went back to his seat.

Once there, he stared at the man with bright, yellow eyes and patted his lap.

Kellen flushed.

“I am not-” looking into that bright yellow gaze, Kellen’s lips stopped moving.

It wasn’t negotiable.

The Captain was angry, and the only way to appease him was to sit in his lap and tell him what had happened.

The Captain didn’t often show this behaviour, but Kellen had seen it in the past a couple of times on the front lines.

He just had never thought he’d see it again in this context.

“Does it have to be your lap?” Kellen protested, even as he approached the S Class.

When the Captain didn’t blink, Kellen felt sweat begin to form along his spine.

The Captain was angry, angry.

Settling himself into his fate, Kellen lowered himself onto the older man’s lap, sitting sideways and also so that he was facing the locked door.

The Captain wrapped his arms around him tightly, and even in the situation Kellen felt swallowed by the Captain.  “I am not going to allow you to hurt yourself further when you are already hurting.

You are still experiencing side effects even if you want to run away from confronting whatever happened.” He told the Guide firmly, and Kellen glanced at him.

Even when he was angry at Kellen, he was still trying to take care of him.

Was it because they were a pair?

It was pretty sweet of him.

Kellen sighed.  “I am not hurting.

I’m just uncomfortable with you seeing this side of me.

At least, it feels too soon.

I thought I’d have more time before you had to see the disgraceful parts of myself.” And also while Kellen was thinking about whether they should even be a pair or not.

The Captain’s arms tightened around Kellen, and Kellen refused to meet his gaze even as he felt the Captain’s on his face.

He wasn’t sure he could handle what his gaze was trying to say to him.  “Don’t lie to me.

You are hurting.

I would never find this embarrassing Kellen, and it hurts me when you think so low of me.” Kellen flinched at his words, and the Captain exhaled slowly.

He continued.

“From what I understand, something happened between you and the two guides who work at Guiding Center A.

Sebby and…Cari?” Kellen bit his lip as his hands became clammy.

He rubbed them on his thighs, nervous.

“Kellen, no biting your lips.” He warned, and Kellen turned his head away from him.  “It’s…Savvy and Terry.” He corrected, and the air grew in tension between them as Kellen kept his silence.

Finally, when he couldn’t handle the silence anymore, he spoke.

“We went to the same guiding school once we manifested our powers.

In fact, almost all of the guides I went to school with ended up at Guiding Center A.” His chest squeezed tightly.

“I had thought…well, we were friends in school.” He ended.  “And what about now?” He asked softly and Kellen could feel his eyes getting hot.

He couldn’t look at the Captain’s face as he allowed the first tear to fall from his eyes and land on his pants.  “I apparently didn’t lie to you when I said I had no friends.” He whispered and the Captain exhaled.

He tugged the Guide closer, placing his hand on the other’s head.

He tucked Kellen against his chest, and Kellen’s shoulders shook as he cried.

Now that the Captain had forced open the dam, the words flowed out of him.

“This always seems to happen.

I think I’ve made friends and then some point down the line they cut contact or tell me we were never friends.

Terry was nicer about it, but she told me not to come around anymore.” The tears fell faster and the Captain patted his back.  “Oh Kellen.” He murmured, and the first sob left the younger man.

The Captain said nothing as Kellen made a mess of him.

Instead, he held him tightly, comfortingly, as Kellen lost all composure.

Kellen lost all sense of time as he sobbed, holding onto the Esper who offered himself up for Kellen’s use.

Kellen eventually tried to shift on the man’s lap, only to find that his legs had gone numb.

He chuckled, pulling away from his shoulder with a long strand of snot.

Disgusted, he went to wipe it away when the Captain raised his arm, offering a tissue and gently wiping Kellen’s nose and face.  “My legs feel asleep.” Kellen offered and the Captain gave Kellen a tender smile as he looked at him.

He had a soft, kind expression and Kellen’s vision swam again.  “We’ll have to ask Green to heal you once you finish getting this out of your system.

I doubt you’d be happy if others saw you this way.” He told Kellen, gently touching under his eyes.

Kellen laughed weakly.  “Absolutely not.” He agreed, looking at the Captain as he looked at him.  “Kellen, they didn’t have the right to hurt you the way that they did.” He told him firmly, and Kellen felt his heart jerk in his chest.  “They didn-” He started to protest but shut his lips as the Captain’s eyes flashed yellow.  “Don’t you dare lie to me.

I saw what you were like when they left.

I doubt you even remember getting back to the Guild.” Kellen didn’t, which only made him feel worse.

“So don’t you dare open that pretty mouth of yours and lie to me Kellen.

I am too upset to take it well.

What did they say to you?

What did they do?” Kellen felt his vision narrow and the Captain’s grip on him tightened.

“Breathe, Kellen.” He ordered, and Kellen sucked in.

He coughed, choking on the very air he needed.

The Captain held him, his jaw tense as he looked over the strong Guide in his arms trembling like a leaf.  “I…I told you I had an inferiority complex, right?” Kellen started, and he nodded.

“That’s the whole reason I went to the front lines.

Well, I’ve had it for a while.” The Captain nodded again.  “I assumed, since you went to the front lines as soon as you finished your schooling, correct?” When Kellen nodded, confirming his words, he continued.

“That’s quite unusual.

Normally, you would work at a center first, or even a Guild before going there.

It was an interesting note on your file, so I paid extra attention to that.” Normally, Kellen might have reacted to that little piece of knowledge, but instead he was staring at the door again.  “Well, the reason I had it was because I was told by others that I was a failure compared to my parents.

And later, my sister.” The Captain tensed, but held his tongue.

He wanted to let Kellen speak, even if it killed him to see such open pain on the other man’s face.

“My parents were never the ones to say it, and as I said before, they were really good about it.

If they found out someone they knew said something to me, they would ‘educate’ them.

I’m sure you can take a guess at what that meant.” He chuckled, before the amusement faded and his eyes filled with sadness again.

“But it wasn’t just people we knew personally.

I don’t know if you know this, but my parents are…famous.

Tabloids would do stories about ‘where they were now’ and I’d be a part of it.

But as a mistake.

A failure.

It’s hard to believe what your family tells you when random strangers come up to you and say what a shame it is you’ve awoken as a C Class Guide.” He sniffed, and the Captain was there with another tissue, wiping his nose.

“It’s hard to feel like no matter what you do you’ll never be worth enough.

You’ll never amount to anything because everyone already has expectations for you and they fell through.

The hatred and self loathing…I never would wish that on anyone.” The Captain sucked in, and Kellen glanced at him.

Kellen saw the question in his eyes, and Kellen shook his head.

“No, I was never…suicidal in the classic sense.

But I did go to the front lines.

I…I’m fine with that stuff now, but…” Kellen sucked in shakily.

He closed his eyes, hating that he was shaking.

The Captain’s arms tightened around him.  “I’m here.” He whispered and Kellen felt his face scrunch up.

He ducked his head into the Captain’s shoulder, inhaling the soothing scent of him to calm himself down.

How could he be so accepting of him?

He wasn’t worth anything.  “I made them feel that way.” He admitted after he’d gathered himself enough to speak.

“I made them feel like what they did wasn’t worth anything.

Being around me, around my family made them think that they were useless.

That no matter what they did, it wouldn’t amount to anything.

They had to use my name to get jobs.

Of course they would leave.

I can understand why they would want to.

I don’t-” “Woah woah.

You’re jumping to conclusions here Kellen.

Did they actually say that to you?” Kellen went to bite his lip, and instead bit into the Captain’s pointer finger.

Shocked, he sat up, turning his gaze towards the Esper.

“No biting your lips.” He warned again, and Kellen nodded numbly.  “Um, well, Terry said she hated me, and Savvy said she felt like shit being around me.

They did say they had to use my family name to get their jobs at Guiding Center A after being turned away 6 times.

So did the others from my school.” The Captain’s face turned up, and the wave of anger and disgust that rolled off of him made Kellen want to curl up into a ball.  “I cannot believe them.

How dare they blame you for their own inadequacies?” He growled, before continuing, forcing Kellen to meet his heated gaze.

“You have done nothing wrong.

Them hating you is them projecting their insecurities onto you.

You have never gone around using your family name, have you?” Kellen shook his head.

“So why did they think they could do the same?

Do your parents know about this?

Does Gwen?” He asked and Kellen grew unsure.  “I…I’m not sure.

I’ve never asked.” Kellen admitted and the Captain frowned.  “I do not like them, and I don’t like that they had this much power over you to hurt you.

In fact, I’m pissed that I can see how all of their words have damaged you over the years.

No fucking wonder you didn’t date anyone while you were on the front lines.” Kellen furrowed his brow, unsure how the Captain came to that conclusion.  “I was busy, that’s why.” Kellen insisted, while the Captain stared at the man who had gone to therapy, but clearly hadn’t opened this wound with them.  “Kellen, I’m going to say something, and I want you to think about it, alright?” Kellen nodded, concerned at the Captain’s serious tone.

The Captain stared at the man in his lap, before he sighed and opened his mouth.

“What do you think love is?” He froze.

What did he think love was?

“Uh, something like what my parents have?” He nodded.  “Okay, and what does that mean?” Why was the Captain being so insistent?

“Maybe a relationship full of trust and respect?

Maybe physical attraction?

One where you support each other and care about each other?

Showing the other person kindness without strings attached?” The Captain’s eyes softened as Kellen spoke and he cupped Kellen’s face with his hands.  “Okay, now why do you think you don’t deserve that?” He asked quietly and Kellen jerked.

He wanted to say that he didn’t think that, that he knew he could have that, but when he opened his mouth the words wouldn’t come out.

As the Captain continued to stare at him, Kellen could feel his emotions beginning to swallow him.

As more tears fell from his eyes, the Captain sighed again.

“It wasn’t just the inferiority complex, huh?” He murmured, brushing his lips under Kellen’s eyes and Kellen hiccupped.  “That’s not, I’m not…” Kellen attempted to speak, but shut up at the soft, kind look in those yellow eyes.

The Captain’s lips found Kellen’s forehead, placing a gentle kiss there and Kellen gripped onto the man’s shoulders like a lifeline.

He was being too kind, too gentle with him.  “Kellen, sweetheart, you are deserving of any form of love, not just romantic.

Just because those people were around you does not mean others are around for those same reasons.

I am not around you for those reasons.

What use do I have for the surname Woods?

I have enough money, enough fame.

I do not need it, all I need is you.” Kellen’s shoulders shook.  “B-But being associated with us is enough.

It’ll benefit the Guild.” Kellen protested weakly, and the Captain didn’t dismiss his concerns right away.  “Sure, that may be true, but you know what is more important to me?

The fact that an incredible, highly credited Guide, who was heavily sought after on the front lines, with an amazing work ethic, an incredible completion and rescue rate, and not to mention a fine ass, decided that he should get a compatibility test done with me.

And that man turned out to be my pair.

I couldn’t care less who his family was.

Hell, most Espers’ don’t have them.

We make our families, and I’ve chosen you, Kellen.

You’re the first person I’ve chosen for my family, and I will never, ever, let you go.” Kellen sat in stunned silence as tears continued to fall from his eyes.

The Captain kissed Kellen’s cheeks, knowing the younger man needed soothing.

“You never have to worry about me trying to use you.

Or leave.

You should worry about me trying to get my way, but I would never, ever, ever, ever use you, or your family name to get me or my Guild somewhere.

And if anyone ever dared to do that, I would kick them out of the Guild, disgraced.

I promise you that.” The Captain’s lips lingered on Kellen’s cheeks.

He waited for Kellen’s response.  “You promise?” The Captain’s heart broke at the vulnerability on Kellen’s face, in his gaze.

He hugged him close, Kellen’s grip on him tight like a vice.  “Absolutely.

I am your pair.

You are mine, and I am yours, Kellen.

Even if you hurt me, I will never abandon you.” Kellen’s body shuddered, his words shooting through him directly to his heart.

He hoped the Captain couldn’t tell what his words did to him.

How they soothed the damaged part in him.

Kellen lowered his head, breaking contact with the Captain’s hands to press his forehead against the damp spot on his shoulder.  “What if I hurt you badly?” Kellen whispered and the Captain chuckled.  “Then I probably deserved it.

Or, you had a reason to do so.” Kellen tightened his grip on the man and he chuckled.

“Seriously, the only way you could truly hurt me is if you left me Kellen.” The Captain admitted it easily.

“So even if I let my affection wander, or if I guided someone else without permission?

Would you forgive me?” The Captain’s grip became bruising on Kellen’s skin, before he relaxed.  “I would be very upset, but I would eventually forgive you.” He told him, and edge to his tone.

It was clear he didn’t even like imagining it.

Kellen shook his head.  “You’re a bigger person than me.

I don’t think I could forgive you if you did the same.” Kellen told him and the Captain’s slightly maniacal laughter filled his ears.  “Oh Kellen, I only said I was forgiving you.

I never said I was going to forgive the other party.

They’d be dead if that ever happened, so keep that in mind.

I am not going to find another pair, I am not going to treat anyone else with kindness, and I am never going to leave you alone.

I am here, and I planned to be here long before we got that compatibility test.” The Captain’s soft, molten gaze met Kellen’s.

Kellen felt it was a deep shame that the guiding today didn’t change the Captain’s gaze back to their original, hazel shade.

A true shame.  CREATORS’ THOUGHTS CalyB Poor little baby Kellen.

Full of insecurities he didn’t even know were there.